Rantings, unedited

JULY 2, 2021

Should I reach out to X for a full time thing? But I don’t have the courage. Why? One, I fear they might not be able to help me. Two, it might sour the relationship we already have. Three, it’s through a mutual connection, so it would be like accepting defeat. Four, giving up on freelancing again sounds like accepting defeat.

But probably wallowing in self-pity is defeat. Not taking action to improve my situation would be defeat. I can’t get rid of toxic people around me, but at least I can learn to work despite them.

JUNE 30, 2021

When my mother used to come back from work, she would put rice on the gas for cooking before going off to change her clothes. When my father came back from office, we offered him water after he had put his work shoes away and washed his soot and greasy covered hands. I don’t remember offering my mom a glass of water on my own.

Three decades later, my husband and I come back from the office together. He switches on the A/C to relax after changing into his casual clothes while I rush into the kitchen to put on dinner or kettle for evening tea, depending upon the time.

It’s not about my parents or us. It’s about the society that has managed to stay where it was three decades ago. I antagonize others when I say changes are skin-deep. But graze the surface and you will see the wounds festering away.

JUNE 14, 2021

some relationships sap us of our energy. both physical and mental. and then, some are so emotionally satisfying. when satisfying relationships outnumber the tiring ones, life seems worth living and fighting for.

but sometimes we also need to consider how important a relationship is. if it’s very important, by our own standards, not someone else’s, we need to plough on and keep investing in those relationships.

JUNE 12, 2021

To become our better selves first we need to accept that we are wrong in what we do, think or practice. That we need to learn better ways of handling things. The amazing part is that people do not accept this even when they fall into deep trouble. They lay the blame on the door of fate or destiny.

Of late, covid-19 has become the scapegoat. One thing was never responsible for all the miseries in the world. It’s an interesting study in human mind and psychology how much we resist change and changing ourselves.

Status quo is always dear to us.

JUNE 7, 2021

 Whenever I feel upbeat and raring to go, something will pull me back mentally. I do not know how to remove this friction because the easiest way is just not feasible. And escapist too.

But then, do I care about being called on the escapist? What is more important — maintaining my mental health and taking care of my kids or being labelled a fighter by the society?

Because it is a fight in which I am completely alone and no one is going to be in my support even verbally. All everybody wants is to push others into unhappiness.

But then I do not want to have a showdown also but is it possible to continue like this? And for how long.

But then I am a coward too. I don’t need anyone else to tell me this. I want to keep up pretenses because of the kids but the point is am I not, or is the situation not, already harming them?

JUNE 3, 2021 

I need to get this out of my system. I want to understand why I feel offended so much whenever some people talk about money. Or rather lack there of.

Probably because there is lack of money and I don’t want them to find out.

Because they think that the solution to this is giving me some.

When all I need is a sympathetic ear for my difficulties. Some people will not talk about money unless there is enough and to some you can’t even mention any monetary difficulties.

Isn’t this a weird situation when it’s money that keeps the wheels of life oiled and working.

Money might not be everything but it is an important cog in the wheel called life.

MARCH 4, 2021

Within 8 hours a rejection and an acceptance.

But both say I am a good writer and subject matter expert.

Well, I will think of the positives because the negatives will just bog me down.

APRIL 21, 2020

Everyone says material things should not be, or rather need not be, accumulated.

What we need to gather our experiences and memories. Time spent with your loved ones, time spent in the lap of nature, time spent in company of yourself, your own thoughts.

But what if those material things help you trigger memories, precious time spent together, some fond remembrances?

I never returned the Tiffin box in which my mother sent me something to eat one day. I don’t remember what she sent me a couple of months ago, but I remember that years ago, when I was a young kid, my mother used to take it to school every day.

Every night, after dinner, she would set curd in it and take it for lunch. It is distorted in many places but when I hold it, I feel I am caressing my mother, feeling her warmth, her love and her caring.

How can a steel Tiffin box that is at least 30 years old evoke such strong emotions in me?

JUNE 26, 2019

Do whatever you want to do in life but never at the cost of your happiness.

Love your spouse ok, love your children, fine, love everyone around you, great. But first learn to love yourself.

If you try to make someone else happy it is not necessary that that person becomes happy. However, if you try your level best you will feel happy for having put in that effort.

Make others happy for yourself. Your genuinity will spread even more happiness.

JUNE 25, 2019

Problems are like elephants.

If you look at them from very near they look very huge.

Take a few steps back and look at them from a distance. They will look manageable.

It’s all about perspective and how you look at things.